I don an apron to work for a certain coffee company and I thought it might be helpful to give some tips to potential customers. Now, just because I sulk behind a counter with only half my heart does not, in any way, shape, or drip, mean that you can order with only half your brain.

This sentence has a few meanings.

Number one: Mouthing the phrase “medium latte” while you are on the phone with someone else in no way takes the place of the real thing. Not that I want to discuss the differences between Kierkegaard and Nietzsche with you, but I’m handling something you will be ingesting; you should probably, at the very least, make eye contact with me.

Number two: An iced cappuccino will never exist as long as the rules of chemistry apply to your life. Cappuccinos are foamed milk. Foamed milk is hot. Ice is the opposite of hot. You might want to write this down on your hand the next time you’re on your way to return a shirt you bought that’s too small and the mall is closing in 20 minutes. You won’t have the time to try and remember this while you are in line asking for something cold, blended with ice and stuffed with caramel.

On a slightly related note: If you don’t like the taste of coffee, just don’t buy it. Don’t make me put 8 pumps of caramel syrup in your white mocha and then load the top with whipped cream. That isn’t coffee, that’s dessert. And it’s 9:47 a.m. Just because no one else at your office can see what’s inside your cup, I know what’s in there. And I’m judging you.

–Elle